Self righteousness can be a silent relationship killer. Rooted in a sense of moral superiority, self-righteousness can manifest in ways that seem innocuous but slowly chip away at trust, respect, and connection.
This article will dive deeply into 10 ways self righteousness can hurt relationships and provide actionable steps to foster humility, empathy, and healthier communication habits.
If you’re ready to improve your relationships, read on to uncover the subtle but powerful effects of self righteousness—and discover ways to build more understanding and resilient connections.
1. Eroding Trust with Constant Judgments
The Issue:
Self righteous individuals often believe they possess a higher moral ground, leading them to judge others harshly.
These judgments might seem like honest opinions, but they create a space where others feel consistently critiqued and undervalued.
This undermines the foundation of trust and makes people wary of being vulnerable.
Expert Insight:
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor known for her work on vulnerability, explains that judgment is often a barrier to true connection.
“When we judge, we alienate others from their true selves, building a wall that prevents trust,” she says in her book Daring Greatly.
This judgmental stance creates an atmosphere where others fear being criticized rather than being accepted for who they are.
Solution:
Focus on empathetic listening. Instead of jumping to conclusions, make an effort to listen without judgment.
Practicing empathy by putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can help dismantle this tendency.
Reframe criticisms as constructive feedback only if the other person is open to it, and replace harsh words with open-ended questions that encourage understanding.
For more on empathetic communication, read our guide on Building Trust through Active Listening.
2. Hindering Open Communication
The Issue:
A self righteous person may dominate conversations, implicitly or explicitly conveying that they “know best.”
This behavior stifles open dialogue, making others feel as if their perspectives aren’t valued. Over time, people may stop sharing openly, fearing they’ll be shut down or dismissed.
Expert Insight:
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationships, emphasizes that “communication requires an equal exchange for true intimacy to grow.” When one person dominates, others feel less inclined to share openly, leading to disconnect.
Solution:
Adopt reflective listening practices, a technique where you paraphrase what the other person has said to confirm your understanding.
Before sharing your opinion, make a habit of validating theirs. For example, you might say, “I hear that you feel… Am I understanding that right?”
This small change allows both parties to feel valued and engaged in the conversation.
3. Creating Emotional Distance
The Issue:
A sense of superiority can create an emotional wall that prevents closeness. When someone feels they’re “better” or “more moral,” they may withhold vulnerability, a key ingredient for deep connection.
Expert Insight:
Dr. Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author of The Dance of Connection, states that “intimacy grows from humility, not from being right.” Emotional intimacy requires openness, and holding oneself above others leads to isolation rather than closeness.
Solution:
Work on embracing emotional vulnerability. Share personal challenges and admit when you don’t have all the answers.
Allowing others to see your own imperfections fosters trust and builds a bridge to deeper connection.
4. Stifling Personal Growth with Unsolicited Advice
The Issue:
Self righteousness often manifests as giving unsolicited advice, with the belief that one’s way is the best way.
This behavior can stifle the autonomy of others, making them feel as if they’re not capable of making their own decisions or learning from their own experiences.
Expert Insight:
Dr. Michael Gervais, a psychologist specializing in high performance, notes that “offering advice without being asked often reflects a need for control rather than true care for the other person.” It assumes that the other person’s perspective is less valuable.
Solution:
Ask before offering advice. Try saying, “Would you like my perspective, or do you just need to vent?” This approach respects others’ autonomy, helping them feel empowered rather than belittled.
5. Undermining Respect with Arrogant Behavior
The Issue:
Arrogance is closely tied to self righteousness. When people act as though their perspective or knowledge is the only valid one, it undermines mutual respect.
This dismissive attitude can make others feel inferior or unimportant, straining relationships over time.
Expert Insight:
Clinical psychologist Dr. Guy Winch, author of Emotional First Aid, states that “mutual respect is essential in any relationship, and arrogance erodes it quickly.”
To foster respect, both parties need to acknowledge each other’s strengths and insights.
Solution:
Counter arrogance with expressions of appreciation. Actively recognize and compliment others’ strengths or contributions.
Simple statements like “You have a great perspective on this” help maintain respect and counterbalance any unintended arrogance.
6. Fueling Resentment Through Blame
The Issue:
Self righteous individuals tend to deflect blame, often holding others responsible for conflicts or failures.
This approach can lead to resentment, especially when others feel they’re always at fault or being held to an unfair standard.
Expert Insight:
Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Thomas, co-author of The 5 Languages of Apology, explains that “ownership of mistakes and issues is essential for healing.” Without accountability, resentment brews, damaging the relationship further.
Solution:
Practice shared accountability. When conflicts arise, replace “you” statements with “we” statements to reduce defensiveness.
Focus on collaborative problem-solving rather than placing blame, which fosters a sense of unity and partnership.
7. Blocking Authentic Connection with Rigidity
The Issue:
Self righteousness often leads to a rigid mindset where one person is inflexible and unwilling to compromise.
Relationships require give and take, and when one person insists on having the “right” approach, it signals that others’ needs don’t matter.
Expert Insight:
Psychiatrist Dr. Judith Orloff highlights that “flexibility is a cornerstone of relationship resilience.” Being willing to adapt and compromise signals respect for others’ feelings and priorities.
Solution:
Embrace adaptive flexibility. Make an effort to consider others’ needs and viewpoints, especially when they differ from your own.
Compromise can be as simple as acknowledging the validity of another perspective, even if you don’t fully agree.
8. Encouraging Passive-Aggressive Behavior
The Issue:
When people feel unable to speak up against self-righteous attitudes, they may resort to passive-aggressive behavior, communicating indirectly through sarcasm, stonewalling, or subtle sabotage.
Expert Insight:
Communication expert Dr. Deborah Tannen explains that “passive-aggressive behavior is often a response to feeling powerless.” Creating an environment where open expression is safe is crucial for healthy communication.
Solution:
Invite feedback openly. Try saying, “Is there anything you need to share that I might not be seeing?” By encouraging open dialogue, you help prevent the need for passive-aggressive responses.
9. Hindering Forgiveness and Reconciliation
The Issue:
People who are self-righteous often find it hard to forgive because they perceive themselves as morally above the faults of others. This mindset makes reconciliation difficult, trapping relationships in cycles of blame and resentment.
Expert Insight:
Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, notes that “forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.” Forgiveness enables us to move forward, benefiting both the person forgiving and the relationship.
Solution:
Develop a forgiveness mindset by focusing on the overall value of the relationship rather than specific grievances. Ask yourself whether holding onto blame is worth the emotional cost and make an effort to let go.
10. Diminishing Joy by Creating a Negative Atmosphere
The Issue:
Self-righteousness can lead to an atmosphere of seriousness and negativity, where everything becomes a moral issue.
This can reduce the joy and spontaneity of relationships, making them feel like moral debates rather than sources of happiness.
Expert Insight:
Positive psychologist Dr. Barbara Fredrickson emphasizes that joy and playfulness are essential for relationship satisfaction. “People are more likely to engage in meaningful relationships when they can laugh and be light-hearted,” she says.
Solution:
Introduce intentional positivity into your interactions. Make room for humor, playfulness, and compliments that lighten the mood. Let go of the need to “correct” others, allowing everyone to enjoy the moment.
Conclusion
Self righteousness often creeps into relationships subtly, but its effects are significant.
By recognizing these tendencies and making intentional changes, you can foster connections built on empathy, respect, and openness.
Relationships thrive when both people feel heard, valued, and safe to be themselves.
For more strategies on relationship building, check out our resource on Effective Communication Techniques to cultivate understanding and harmony in your interactions.
FAQs on 10 Ways Self-Righteousness Hurts Relationships—and How to Stop
1. What is self-righteousness in relationships?
Answer: Self-righteousness in relationships is the belief that one’s morals or views are superior, often leading to judgmental behavior, lack of empathy, and communication issues that can strain connections.
2. How does self-righteousness affect trust?
Answer: Self-righteousness erodes trust by making others feel judged and undervalued. Constant criticism discourages openness and makes people hesitant to share vulnerabilities.
3. Why does self-righteousness lead to poor communication?
Answer: It creates a one-sided conversation where one person dominates, dismissing others’ opinions. This discourages honest communication and weakens the relationship.
4. How can I recognize self-righteous behavior in myself?
Answer: Common signs include a tendency to give unsolicited advice, insistence on being “right,” judgmental comments, and frustration when others don’t share your views.
5. What are some ways to stop being self-righteous?
Answer: Practice empathy, avoid unsolicited advice, validate others’ perspectives, and focus on open, humble communication to encourage mutual respect.
6. How does self-righteousness create emotional distance?
Answer: It blocks vulnerability and warmth, creating a barrier that makes others feel inferior or disconnected, preventing genuine emotional closeness.
7. Can self-righteousness lead to passive-aggressive behavior in others?
Answer: Yes, when people feel unable to express themselves openly, they may resort to indirect communication, such as sarcasm or avoidance, to cope.
8. Why does self righteousness make forgiveness difficult?
Answer: Self-righteous individuals often hold themselves above others’ mistakes, making it hard to empathize and forgive, which blocks reconciliation.
9. How can I avoid creating a negative atmosphere in relationships?
Answer: Focus on positivity and humor, avoid excessive seriousness, and embrace light-heartedness to keep interactions joyful and enjoyable.
10. What are some benefits of overcoming self righteousness?
Answer: Letting go of self-righteousness fosters trust, deeper emotional bonds, open communication, and a more positive, enjoyable relationship atmosphere.